I have lost my dog (rest in peace my sweet Coach). I have lost my mojo and my faith in some of my fellow man,and there has been a hitch in my giddyup. I also lost my uterus and a few grapefruit sized tumors that were strangling my other girlie parts. I lost a lot of time due to massive, major headaches, extreme fatigue, stomach issues, and a feeling as if my innards are falling (think Chicken Little here) out! I turned 40 at a time when I have never felt so unattractive and unappealing in my life (don't think it was my midlife crisis but just my health in general). And I wish I could say I lost weight too, but unfortunately the opposite is true and I packed on almost 15 pounds.
In the time since my surgery, I have had a lot, and I do mean A LOT of time in bed to think about how to get things right, how to manage what has, at times, seemed overwhelming and hopeless, and how to LIVE.
I wish I could say I had an epiphany of the holy type but that would be a bold face lie. However, I did have some You Tube insight (you can learn to do anything on the good ole YT) that I thought might help in some aspects of my life (I will leave out the more personal details here...not that the discussion of my uterus and girlie parts wasn't already personal).
Have you seen these little beauties posted EVERYWHERE on YT? It is the newest craze to hit the paper crafting community in the name of ORGANIZATION. A Filofax is a way to put every aspect of your life in a cute color coded format, loaded with stickers and awesome colorful pens and washi tape in a REALLY expensive planner. I won't wax poetic over all of the things peeps do to personalize their planners, but if you are a You Tuber, you can find some vids without a problem. There are also Facebook groups designed just for the crazed Filofax obsessed.
None of these Filofaxes (plural of Filofax???) are mine because I refuse to spend that kind of money on a leather planner, but I do have a mini binder that I found at Wal-Mart complete with inserts from Avery that I have made my own. My point? My point is that I have decided to schedule A LOT of things to help ease my anxiety and need to have control over things I generally cannot. Things like what?? Well, this blog for example. Tuesday is my blog day. And because I now have it scheduled for once a week without having to always feel guilty for not doing it everyday (OK or EVER), I can breathe; I can check it off once it is done with satisfaction. If I happen to write more than that during the week, BONUS (hopefully you feel the same), but if not and I only get the one done, at least I did it. What may be a baby step and silly for some, is critical for me and my anxious nature. I plan to do the same for my You Tube vids (maybe less than once a week to start because I am still struggling with a lack of confidence in my appearance and a fear of the mirror and the camera), working out, and calling my mother (if you only knew!!). I also have had to come to realize that my blogs don't have to be 10 pages long in order for them to be good or done (and perhaps my readers would prefer they not be so long anyways).
WOO HOO!! I am checking this off my list in my planner and feel relieved and happy and satisfied. Of course, if the day to do wash is also scheduled on Tuesday, I guess I will be writing my blog INSTEAD OF THE LAUNDRY!!!
And PS, for those of you who have stuck with me during my country music phase, THANK YOU! I continue to write this for you and for me and I promise to do better by us both.
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